1. The Vermin Infestation
It’s a great day outside – the sun is shining, the Pidgeotto’s are tweeting, you want to enjoy the scenery- ahhh- A light casual stroll in the park seems like a brilliant idea, right? WRONG! Because you can’t walk three steps without being ambushed by goddamn Rattata or whatever the hell else pest is lurking around the ‘Tall Grass’ – Who wants to live in a world that has you constantly wondering, ‘WHY DOES NOBODY OWN LAWN MOWERS!?!?’
2. Professor Oak used “scumbag.” It’s super effective.
Can you imagine living in a world where this shady old man tricks kids into doing his ridiculously dangerous research for him while he invites mom over to show her his display of master-balls. Errrrr… The thought sends shivers down my spine.
3. The harsh truth of neglect
Imagine living in a world where as a child, you told your mom you were leaving the house to catch over 150 of the deadliest creatures known to man, including; a fire breathing dragon, a rat that can conduct electricity, and an actual legit ghost- and your mom was like, ‘That makes sense, have fun honey! Oh… here take these running shoes.’
Running shoes!?!? That’s it? Thanks, mom- I’ll need those running shoes when I’m running for my life because there’s a goddamn Rhyhorn chasing me and I might die! I love you.
4. It’s a Growlithe-eat-Growlithe world. (Like, stop–I know.)
Yes, that’s right- in the world of Pokemon god forbid you even attempt to walk past another person let alone make eye contact with them. Any subtle hint of contact with another person will result in a poke battle. As if everyone in this world has the ‘Douche-At-The-Club’ personality type. Why is everyone in this world so violent!? Probably because all their mothers were way too comfortable with sending them out into the wild to capture dangerous animals when they were 11 friggin years old.
5. You used Max Repel … like waaaay too much … max repel.
Looking at the journey of fellow Pokemon trainer, Ash. How many of his Pokemon just bailed on him? You can catch a lot of things in Pokemon but you can never catch feelings because apparently, there is zero loyalty in the world of Pokemon! Charizard tried to bail so many times… Butterfree, left. Pidgeotto, left. Lapras, gone. Haunter, barely stuck around… It’s just a world of abandonment and there’s no Rare Candy sweeter than love.
6. Bicycle Store learned … ‘daylight robbery’
1 Million Pokedollars for a bicycle!? Are you shitting me with that? If a bike costs a million dollars… I guess I’ll just never be able to afford rent in the world of Pokemon. Where is anyone suppose to make the kind of money it takes to survive in this corrupt world of inexplicable inflation? Team Rocket is sounding pretty dope right about now.
7. That’s Badgest!
In this world, if you don’t have gym badges they usually have someone that will block your path or prevent you from entering certain buildings… A new form of status or class discrimination based on… how good you are… at… at… beating Pokemon with other Pokemon. Not having gym badges in the world of Pokemon is like; not having Instagram followers in high school, or being an actor with no credits in Hollywood, or not having a Louis Vuitton scarf on and still trying to get into a Kanye party. You get it. You just won’t belong, the only option is getting as many gym badges as possible which means… If you suck at animal cruelty there is literally no getting ahead in this world.
8. Forever 11…
Apparently in the world of Pokemon, birthday’s aren’t a thing? Because we’ve been 11 years old for like 10 years now. That’s right living in the world of Pokemon comes with the price of perpetually being on the verge of entering your ‘awkward’ phase. Why live in a world where you have to ride a bike to the location of the major crime syndicate you’re going to put an end to because you’ll never be old enough to get a drivers license.
9. Kadabrah … so not chill.
According to the Kadabra FireRed pokedex entry, “It happened one morning- a boy with extrasensory powers awoke in bed transformed into Kadabra” – So possibly the least tight thing that could ever happen, waking up one morning as a creepy mustache wearing spoon wielding psychic fox. How would you explain that? Do you then live under constant threat of other 11-year-olds throwing Pokeballs at you!? Is that creep mustache shave-able!? Can you actually put the spoon down or is it attached to you permanently… Will you have to lie about always wanting to eat cereal!? I don’t know… It’s too much… Too many questions and too much stress! Why live in a world where that is possible!?
10. Nihilism. was caught! Give nickname to Nihilism?
Arceus is a Pokemon that is described throughout your journey as the creator of the entire Pokemon world, your creator, the creator of everything… and you can catch it in a little pokeball if you beat it enough with your other Pokemon. What!? That is a very disappointing answer to life’s big questions. Where do you go from there? What even is the point of anything anymore at that point. What even is existence? Do we commence the existential crisis? The all mighty creator of everything’s weakness is a 11 year old’s glorified pets and a small ball!?
Again, Team Rocket is sounding pretty dope right about now.